Freeing the Robot Mind

The last time I wrote to you, I revealed I had found a crazy psychotic fear monster in my head, waking me up every day with a shot of adrenalin until my adrenals couldn't do it anymore and I burned out.

That post was back in February, and looking at that now, the ensuing months of silence here is pretty weird, but it was necessary.

Once I saw that fear monster in my head, I was able to look within and see lots of invisible scripts running my show. I questioned everything.

Have you watched Westworld? I binge-watched it all this spring and I completely resonate with the characters who are discovering that they are run by scripts in their programming, trying to figure out what's programming and what's actually them.

I'm finding that while I can say, hey, this programming isn't what I want, it's not serving me anymore…

It's something else entirely to actually discard it.

I had been having fun with my journey of mental health blogging, but suddenly came across a tangled mess in my own head that needed to be unwound before I could make any sense of it. It took as long as it needed to take.

Because that fear monster, even though it wasn't allowed to interfere with my morning wake up routine anymore, it found other places to hide.

And some of those other places caught me off guard. I fell for the game and got caught up in the anxiety and fear and stress like being swept up in a big ocean wave, completely helpless and flailing.

I went to Burning Man this year and the theme was "I, Robot," and I take it to be about exactly this. We are all like those Westworld characters, running around passionately playing out scripts that may not even be what we actively want for ourselves.

But each time I find myself playing out a script, I get a little closer to untangling myself from its grip on me. 

Sometimes it takes a few months to see it. Where before it might have taken me years. The cycle is getting shorter.

I get swept up, then crash into a realization eventually. I turn my spotlight of awareness to the script and dismantle it.

It turns up somewhere else. Repeat. Hopefully more quickly this time.

It is a difficult path I've chosen.

But it's mine.

💖 Sarah

P.S. I'd love to hear from you. Do you want to hear more about my mental health journey? Reply and let me know. Would you rather hear from me about business strategy or rapid prototyping? I'm all ears! I want to share the most useful stuff with you so reach out, tell me how I can be helpful to you.

Sarah Harrison